Here we are at the end of day 3 already. It's seriously not as hard as I thought it would be. I find myself able to turn away from sweets and fattening food. I'm really surprised! A mental shift is taking place. I am controlling what I eat, it's no longer controlling me.

Sure I feel a little hunger now and then but drinking a bottle of water staves it off until the next meal. I made a Medifast blended cappuccino this morning. It tasted almost like a frappuccino...almost.

I was talking with my mom today about my diet and came to the realization that I have never been more resolved to do something in my entire life, except when I was pregnant and planning a natural birth! I made THAT happen, and this weight loss thing is totally in my hands unlike the uncertainty of childbirth.

You know how when you buy a new car and drive it around, you suddenly notice that everyone has that car? Now I notice everyone out jogging or exercising, especially the heavier people. I saw a very large woman coming out of the YMCA looking sweaty and another one riding a bike. She didn't look very comfortable but I mentally congratulated her for getting out there and DOING IT.

Current weight tonight: 274

Today is the first day of the rest of your life...

I'm ready.

I can't believe I am putting this number out there into cyberspace. 279. Pounds that is. There it is, my current weight. At 5'8" that puts me about 120 pounds overweight according to the "charts." How did I ever get to this point? I have no idea. But no more blaming it on the baby, my parents, or a toxic environment. I did it all by myself. Now it's time to take it off. This blog shall be written documentation of my progress.

How am I feeling today? Totally optimistic but scared out of my mind. I don't want to fail. I can't fail. One teeny baby step at a time. One day at a time. One hour at a time.

When I wake up in the morning it will be day 1 of Medifast meals. I'm actually looking forward to trying them. Even if they are chock full of "questionable" ingredients. This food is a temporary necessity to drop the pounds NOW and get on a path toward overall health.

I'm really going to miss fruit.

No more living in denial of my body size and appearance, no more excuses, no more bargaining. I don't "look just fine the way I am." I know they mean well. But it's a lie.

A few of my personal reasons for losing the weight:

To hear the words "Have you lost weight?" from people I haven't seen in a while.

To run, jump, hike, play tag, ans ride bikes with my son.

To ride the amusement rides with my son without fear of exceeding the weight requirement.

To not have to constantly tug at my shirts to make sure my tummy is covered.

To no longer be the fat friend.

To go shopping with friends and not have to follow them around "regular size" stores pretending to be looking at things to buy when I know I can't fit into a single thing.

To buy cute swimsuits and actually enjoy wearing them.

So that 3-letter insult will no longer be valid towards me.

To buy what I like in clothing stores, not just the black, body-hiding things.

To wear a pair of heels and feel beautiful instead of like an awkward giant.

To not blame my shortness of breath on asthma when it's really because I am so out of shape.

To not avoid the doctor because I don't want to get on the scale.

To be able to wear shorts without having to cover my legs when I sit down, or have them ride up when I walk.

To ride in an airplane without the armrest cutting off circulation to my hip.

To not have to take 100 pictures of my face to get just the right angle to make me look less fat.

So I can get up and dance and not feel weird.

So I can pick a haircut I love and not just flattering to a round face.

So no one can refer to me as "the big girl" or "heavyset" or "festively plump."

So my heel will stop hurting from bearing too much weight.

So I can ride a horse without worrying I might break its legs.

So my bath towel will go all the way around me.

So I can paint my own toenails again.




...I am sure I will find more reasons along the way.